ALL THE ORGANS OF THE BODY WERE HAVING A MEETING TRYING TO DECIDE WHO WAS THE ONE IN CHARGE
I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE SAID THE BRAIN Because I run all the bodies systems, without me nothing would happen

I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE SAID THE BLOOD Because I circulate oxygen all over, without me you would all waste away

I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE SAID THE STOMACH Because I process food and give you all energy

I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE SAID THE LEGS Because I carry the body wherever it needs to go

I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE SAID THE EYES Because I allow the body to see where it goes

I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE SAID THE RECTUM Because I am responsible for waste removal

ALL THE OTHER BODY PARTS LAUGHED AT THE RECTUM And insulted him, so in a huff , he shut down tight

WITHIN A FEW DAYS, THE BRAIN had a terrible headache
THE STOMACH was bloated
THE LEGS got wobbly
THE EYES got watery
THE BLOOD was toxic

THEY QUICKLY DECIDED THAT THE RECTUM SHOULD BE BOSS

THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
THE ASSHOLE IS USUALLY IN CHARGE !!

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.

Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Martha is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.

Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob
has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.

She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.
One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history! Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she
throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life!"
He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies...
"Sure, no problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

Q1: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."

Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.
But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Now you know everything

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't Ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1, you have to be single and 2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party

So you think you know what most computer acronyms really mean? Think again.
CD-ROM ---- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
IBM ---- I Blame Microsoft, I Bought Macintosh
PCMCIA ---- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN ---- It Still Does Nothing
APPLE ---- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
DEC ---- Do Expect Cuts
CA ---- Constant Acquisitions
OS/2 ---- Obsolete Soon Too,
SCSI ---- System Can't See It
DOS ---- Defunct Operating System
BASIC ---- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
WWW ---- World Wide Wait

A ventriloquist and his little dog were travelling through the countryside and stopped at a farm house where the man promised the farmer he would have the dog talk some for him if he would give them something to eat.
The farmer brought out some supper for the man and some bone scraps for the little dog.

As they were eating, the ventriloquist asked the dog, "How do you like your supper, Carlo?"

"Plenty bone but not much meat!" the dog appeared to reply.

The farmer was astounded and said, "What'll you take for that dog?"

The traveller said, "Oh, couldn't part with my dog."

"I'll give you £50 for him," the farmer said.

The ventriloquist said, "What do you think, Carlo?"

And Carlo seemed to speak back to him, "Why, that other feller offered you £150, and now you'd sell me for just £50?"

"Well, I need the money bad, Carlo," the man said, and told the farmer he would take the fifty if he would give him fifty more when he came back through in a month or two. The farmer said he would, and counted out £50 for him. The man handed the farmer the string that was tied around Carlo's neck and told Carlo goodbye.

"Are you sure you're coming back?" Carlo asked him as he walked away.
The traveller said yes he was. "Well," the dog seemed to say, "I'm sorry you're selling me, but I'd hate to see you get gypped. I'll not speak another word 'til you come back and this old fool gives you the rest of the money."

The Proxy Father
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start
their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed
his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know
me but I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty
of babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''

''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his
briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done
on the top of a bus in downtown London.''
''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith
the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to
get a good look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing
and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I
began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work.''
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?.....
Good Lord, she's fainted!''

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else...

After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

I'm not drunk you shilly sit!

Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.

God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries, "I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!" "Very well, then," says God, "let us see how Jesus fared." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters, "But how?! How did he do that?!"

God chuckles, "Jesus Saves!"

The Lost Chapter of Genesis

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make, and she will not nag you.
She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history......................