http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/BIG BROTHER FREE ZONE!! Violaters risk being de-friended!!en-UKMokoFeed10http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/ea/56e377ceaa3e5547733a6e410d57bc_160x200.jpghttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/08/04/just_a_few_handy_hints_for_those_of_you_~2752709/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-08-04:/2007/08/04/just_a_few_handy_hints_for_those_of_you_~2752709/Sat, 04 Aug 2007 06:17:19 +0200 <p>DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS</p> <p>40-ish - 49</p> <p>Adventurous - Slept with everyone</p> <p>Athletic - No tits</p> <p>Average looking - Ugly</p> <p>Beautiful - Pathological liar</p> <p>Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills</p> <p>Emotionally secure - On medication</p> <p>Feminist - Fat</p> <p>Free spirit - Junkie</p> <p>Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person</p> <p>Fun - Annoying</p> <p>New Age - Body hair in the wrong places</p> <p>Open-minded - Desperate</p> <p>Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing</p> <p>Passionate - Sloppy drunk</p> <p>Professional - Bitch</p> <p>Voluptuous - Very Fat</p> <p>Large frame - Hugely Fat</p> <p>Wants Soul mate - Stalker</p> <p>WOMEN'S ENGLISH:</p> <p>1. Yes = No</p> <p>2. No = Yes</p> <p>3. Maybe = No</p> <p>4. We need = I want</p> <p>5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry</p> <p>6. We need to talk = you're in trouble</p> <p>7. Sure, go ahead = you better not</p> <p>8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later</p> <p>9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!</p> <p>10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?</p> <p>MEN'S ENGLISH:</p> <p>1. I am hungry = I am hungry</p> <p>2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy</p> <p>3. I am tired = I am tired</p> <p>4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!</p> <p>5. I love you = let's have sex now</p> <p>6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?</p> <p>7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you</p> <p>8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you</p> <p>9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you</p> <p>10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you</p> <p>11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay</p> <p>And finally.....</p> <p>A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/08/04/just_a_few_handy_hints_for_those_of_you_~2752709/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/08/04/just_a_few_handy_hints_for_those_of_you_~2752709/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/28/who_would_have_thought_it~2536686/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-06-28:/2007/06/28/who_would_have_thought_it~2536686/Thu, 28 Jun 2007 15:45:09 +0200 <p>ALL THE ORGANS OF THE BODY WERE HAVING A MEETING TRYING TO DECIDE WHO WAS THE ONE IN CHARGE<br> I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE SAID THE BRAIN Because I run all the bodies systems, without me nothing would happen</p> <p>I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE SAID THE BLOOD Because I circulate oxygen all over, without me you would all waste away</p> <p>I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE SAID THE STOMACH Because I process food and give you all energy</p> <p>I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE SAID THE LEGS Because I carry the body wherever it needs to go</p> <p>I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE SAID THE EYES Because I allow the body to see where it goes</p> <p>I SHOULD BE IN CHARGE SAID THE RECTUM Because I am responsible for waste removal</p> <p>ALL THE OTHER BODY PARTS LAUGHED AT THE RECTUM And insulted him, so in a huff , he shut down tight</p> <p>WITHIN A FEW DAYS, THE BRAIN had a terrible headache<br> THE STOMACH was bloated<br> THE LEGS got wobbly<br> THE EYES got watery<br> THE BLOOD was toxic</p> <p>THEY QUICKLY DECIDED THAT THE RECTUM SHOULD BE BOSS</p> <p>THE MORAL OF THE STORY?<br> THE ASSHOLE IS USUALLY IN CHARGE !! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/28/who_would_have_thought_it~2536686/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/28/who_would_have_thought_it~2536686/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/24/farting_your_guts_out~2508430/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-06-24:/2007/06/24/farting_your_guts_out~2508430/Sun, 24 Jun 2007 06:40:16 +0200 <p>Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work. </p> <p>Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" </p> <p>One Thanksgiving morning, Martha is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself. </p> <p>Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob<br> has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.</p> <p>She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/24/farting_your_guts_out~2508430/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/24/farting_your_guts_out~2508430/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/21/little_red_riding_hood_joke~2494554/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-06-21:/2007/06/21/little_red_riding_hood_joke~2494554/Thu, 21 Jun 2007 17:49:23 +0200 <p>Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.<br> "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.<br> The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. </p> <p>Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.<br> "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. </p> <p>Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.<br> About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.<br> "My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood. </p> <p>With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/21/little_red_riding_hood_joke~2494554/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/21/little_red_riding_hood_joke~2494554/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/21/try_out_for_a_circus_job~2491178/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-06-21:/2007/06/21/try_out_for_a_circus_job~2491178/Thu, 21 Jun 2007 07:36:09 +0200 <p>A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up.<br> One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.</p> <p>The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.<br> He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history! Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"</p> <p>The girl says, "I'll go first."<br> She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.<br> The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she<br> throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.</p> <p>The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.</p> <p>The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life!"<br> He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"</p> <p>The young man replies...<br> "Sure, no problem, just get that damn lion out of the way." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/21/try_out_for_a_circus_job~2491178/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/21/try_out_for_a_circus_job~2491178/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/20/never_too_old~2485449/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-06-20:/2007/06/20/never_too_old~2485449/Wed, 20 Jun 2007 09:40:26 +0200 <p>Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.</p> <p>Maude: What in the hell is that?</p> <p>Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.</p> <p>Maude: Where did you get it?</p> <p>Mabel: You can get them at any chemist.</p> <p>The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.</p> <p>The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.</p> <p>"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/20/never_too_old~2485449/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/20/never_too_old~2485449/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/18/now_you_know~2475092/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-06-18:/2007/06/18/now_you_know~2475092/Mon, 18 Jun 2007 16:19:05 +0200 <p>Q1: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?<br> A: It's Braille for "suck here".</p> <p>Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?<br> A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."</p> <p>Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?<br> A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.</p> <p>Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?<br> A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.<br> But when they go, they take your house and car with them.</p> <p>Q5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?<br> A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.</p> <p>Now you know everything </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/18/now_you_know~2475092/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/18/now_you_know~2475092/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/16/3_nuns_go_to_heaven~2464757/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-06-16:/2007/06/16/3_nuns_go_to_heaven~2464757/Sat, 16 Jun 2007 18:43:44 +0200 <p>Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.</p> <p>The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.</p> <p>The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.</p> <p>The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."</p> <p>St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask</p> <p>"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.</p> <p>St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't Ring a bell."</p> <p>The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.</p> <p>St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.</p> <p>He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/16/3_nuns_go_to_heaven~2464757/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/16/3_nuns_go_to_heaven~2464757/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/16/nun_and_cabbie_joke~2464749/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-06-16:/2007/06/16/nun_and_cabbie_joke~2464749/Sat, 16 Jun 2007 18:42:30 +0200 <p>A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.</p> <p>She asks him why he is staring.</p> <p>He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"</p> <p>She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."</p> <p>"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."</p> <p>She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1, you have to be single and 2, you must be Catholic."</p> <p>The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!</p> <p>"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush</p> <p>But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.</p> <p>"My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?"</p> <p>"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."</p> <p>The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/16/nun_and_cabbie_joke~2464749/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/16/nun_and_cabbie_joke~2464749/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/15/computer_speak~2456255/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-06-15:/2007/06/15/computer_speak~2456255/Fri, 15 Jun 2007 09:03:00 +0200 <p>So you think you know what most computer acronyms really mean? Think again.<br> CD-ROM ---- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months<br> IBM ---- I Blame Microsoft, I Bought Macintosh<br> PCMCIA ---- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms<br> ISDN ---- It Still Does Nothing<br> APPLE ---- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity<br> DEC ---- Do Expect Cuts<br> CA ---- Constant Acquisitions<br> OS/2 ---- Obsolete Soon Too,<br> SCSI ---- System Can't See It<br> DOS ---- Defunct Operating System<br> BASIC ---- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control<br> WWW ---- World Wide Wait</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/15/computer_speak~2456255/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/15/computer_speak~2456255/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/15/the_ventriloquist_and_the_dog~2456133/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-06-15:/2007/06/15/the_ventriloquist_and_the_dog~2456133/Fri, 15 Jun 2007 08:44:33 +0200 <p>A ventriloquist and his little dog were travelling through the countryside and stopped at a farm house where the man promised the farmer he would have the dog talk some for him if he would give them something to eat.<br> The farmer brought out some supper for the man and some bone scraps for the little dog.</p> <p>As they were eating, the ventriloquist asked the dog, "How do you like your supper, Carlo?"</p> <p>"Plenty bone but not much meat!" the dog appeared to reply.</p> <p>The farmer was astounded and said, "What'll you take for that dog?"</p> <p>The traveller said, "Oh, couldn't part with my dog."</p> <p>"I'll give you £50 for him," the farmer said.</p> <p>The ventriloquist said, "What do you think, Carlo?"</p> <p>And Carlo seemed to speak back to him, "Why, that other feller offered you £150, and now you'd sell me for just £50?"</p> <p>"Well, I need the money bad, Carlo," the man said, and told the farmer he would take the fifty if he would give him fifty more when he came back through in a month or two. The farmer said he would, and counted out £50 for him. The man handed the farmer the string that was tied around Carlo's neck and told Carlo goodbye.</p> <p>"Are you sure you're coming back?" Carlo asked him as he walked away.<br> The traveller said yes he was. "Well," the dog seemed to say, "I'm sorry you're selling me, but I'd hate to see you get gypped. I'll not speak another word 'til you come back and this old fool gives you the rest of the money." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/15/the_ventriloquist_and_the_dog~2456133/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/15/the_ventriloquist_and_the_dog~2456133/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/14/the_proxy_father~2454121/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-06-14:/2007/06/14/the_proxy_father~2454121/Thu, 14 Jun 2007 20:45:53 +0200 <p> The Proxy Father<br> The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start<br> their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed<br> his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."<br> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang<br> the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know<br> me but I've come to....''<br> ''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.<br> ''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty<br> of babies.''<br> ''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.<br> Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.<br> ''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the<br> couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is<br> fun too; you can really spread out.''<br> ''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.'' </p> <p> ''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we<br> try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm<br> sure you'll be pleased with the results.''<br> ''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.<br> ''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in<br> and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''<br> ''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his<br> briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done<br> on the top of a bus in downtown London.''<br> ''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.<br> ''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their<br> mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith<br> the picture.<br> ''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.<br> ''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the<br> job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to<br> get a good look.''<br> ''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.<br> ''Yes,'' the photographer said.<br> ''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing<br> and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I<br> began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my<br> equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.<br> ''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''<br> ''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that<br> we can get to work.''<br> ''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.<br> ''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big<br> for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?.....<br> Good Lord, she's fainted!'' </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/14/the_proxy_father~2454121/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/14/the_proxy_father~2454121/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/06/i_m_not_drunk~2402420/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-06-06:/2007/06/06/i_m_not_drunk~2402420/Wed, 06 Jun 2007 05:52:46 +0200 <p>I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... </p> <p>After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. </p> <p>Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. </p> <p>I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.</p> <p>I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.</p> <p>I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. </p> <p>I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. </p> <p>Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. </p> <p>When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. </p> <p>I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. </p> <p>I'm not drunk you shilly sit!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/06/i_m_not_drunk~2402420/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/06/i_m_not_drunk~2402420/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/03/jesus_vs_satan_joke~2389151/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-06-03:/2007/06/03/jesus_vs_satan_joke~2389151/Sun, 03 Jun 2007 21:33:12 +0200 <p>Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.<br> Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.</p> <p>God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries, "I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!" "Very well, then," says God, "let us see how Jesus fared." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters, "But how?! How did he do that?!"</p> <p>God chuckles, "Jesus Saves!" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/03/jesus_vs_satan_joke~2389151/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/03/jesus_vs_satan_joke~2389151/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/01/joke_time~2371621/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-06-01:/2007/06/01/joke_time~2371621/Fri, 01 Jun 2007 07:39:43 +0200 <p>The Lost Chapter of Genesis </p> <p>Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.<br> God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.<br> He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.<br> She will always agree with every decision you make, and she will not nag you.<br> She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!<br> She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.<br> "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."<br> Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"<br> God replied, "An arm and a leg."<br> Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"<br> Of course the rest is history...................... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/01/joke_time~2371621/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/06/01/joke_time~2371621/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/31/a_room_for_the_night~2365409/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-05-31:/2007/05/31/a_room_for_the_night~2365409/Thu, 31 May 2007 08:18:53 +0200 <p>Many years agao, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod --one that did not admit Jews.</p> <p>The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."<br> The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."</p> <p>Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know, I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.</p> <p>How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."<br> Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"</p> <p>Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/31/a_room_for_the_night~2365409/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/31/a_room_for_the_night~2365409/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/30/farmer_joe_has_an_accident~2360311/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-05-30:/2007/05/30/farmer_joe_has_an_accident~2360311/Wed, 30 May 2007 12:23:44 +0200 <p>Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take<br> the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking<br> company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.</p> <p>"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.<br> Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."</p> <p>"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'."<br> Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I as driving down the road..."</p> <p>The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the policeman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."</p> <p>By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."</p> <p>Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the dual carriageway when this huge truck and trailer ran the give way sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.</p> <p>Shortly after the accident a policeman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.</p> <p>Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her...How are you feeling?" <img src="/img/smilies/graylaugh.gif" alt=":))" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/30/farmer_joe_has_an_accident~2360311/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>entertainmentjokehttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/30/farmer_joe_has_an_accident~2360311/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/29/the_good_gardener~2352251/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-05-29:/2007/05/29/the_good_gardener~2352251/Tue, 29 May 2007 06:58:33 +0200 <p> A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone.</p> <p>He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is,<br> tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property. </p> <p>Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door,<br> but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers. </p> <p>He looks down, sees a snail there.</p> <p>The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, -<br> "GEEZ BUDDY - WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/29/the_good_gardener~2352251/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>jokeentertainmenthttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/29/the_good_gardener~2352251/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/28/the_lucky_frog~2347247/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-05-28:/2007/05/28/the_lucky_frog~2347247/Mon, 28 May 2007 11:19:52 +0200 <p>A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."</p> <p>The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.</p> <p>Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.</p> <p>"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood.</p> <p>Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." </p> <p>They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."  Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.</p> <p>Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. </p> <p>He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. </p> <p>"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God, or <br>my name is not William Jefferson Clinton." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/28/the_lucky_frog~2347247/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>golffroglas-vegasjokebill-clintonhttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/28/the_lucky_frog~2347247/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/27/revenge_of_the_blondes~2341839/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-05-27:/2007/05/27/revenge_of_the_blondes~2341839/Sun, 27 May 2007 11:44:45 +0200 <p>Seeing its Sunday here is another:</p> <p>Why do brunettes like their dark hair color? It doesn't show the dirt.</p> <p>Who makes all the bras for brunettes? Fisher-Price</p> <p>Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.</p> <p>Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustache.</p> <p>Why is the color brunette considered evil? When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?</p> <p>Why did God create brunettes? So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.</p> <p>What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation.</p> <p>Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant? From their underarms.</p> <p>How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night? Startled.</p> <p>What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette? A hostage. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/27/revenge_of_the_blondes~2341839/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/27/revenge_of_the_blondes~2341839/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/27/it_will_never_fit~2340799/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-05-27:/2007/05/27/it_will_never_fit~2340799/Sun, 27 May 2007 07:32:24 +0200 <p>The woman entered the room.</p> <p>With a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. </p> <p>The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.   Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. </p> <p>He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. </p> <p>With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.  He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.  Her senses swam.  She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long.  And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" </p> <p>Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. </p> <p>As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. </p> <p>And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. </p> <p>Oh, yes, this woman would want more. </p> <p>She would want to do it again and again and again............</p> <p>DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?   <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/060lol.gif" border="0" alt=""> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/27/it_will_never_fit~2340799/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>jokelifeshoppingshoeshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/27/it_will_never_fit~2340799/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/26/an_old_man_s_dying_request~2335998/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-05-26:/2007/05/26/an_old_man_s_dying_request~2335998/Sat, 26 May 2007 06:49:44 +0200 <p>An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his<br> fate.</p> <p>1.His Doctor<br> 2.His Priest<br> 3.His Solicitor</p> <p>"Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here,<br> because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favour. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with £50,000 inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."</p> <p>After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said,<br> "I have to admit I kept £10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other £40,000 in like he requested."</p> <p>The priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept £25,000 dollars for the church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other £25,000 in the grave."</p> <p>Well, the lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two<br> taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it in!"</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/26/an_old_man_s_dying_request~2335998/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>jokeentertainmenthttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/26/an_old_man_s_dying_request~2335998/#commentshttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/25/chinese_proverbs~2331198/tag:joke-a-day.blog.co.uk,2007-05-25:/2007/05/25/chinese_proverbs~2331198/Fri, 25 May 2007 10:43:05 +0200 <p>Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. </p> <p>Man who run in front of car get tired. </p> <p>Man who run behind car get exhausted. </p> <p>Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. </p> <p>Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. </p> <p>Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. </p> <p>Man with one chopstick go hungry. </p> <p>Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. </p> <p>Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. </p> <p>Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. </p> <p>Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth. </p> <p>War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. </p> <p>Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. </p> <p>Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. </p> <p>It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. </p> <p>Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. </p> <p>Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. </p> <p>Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. </p> <p>Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. </p> <p>Man who fart in church sit in own pew. </p> <p>Crowded elevator smell different to midget. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/25/chinese_proverbs~2331198/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>jokeschineseentertainmenthttp://joke-a-day.blog.co.uk/2007/05/25/chinese_proverbs~2331198/#comments